By Luke Gill

The 13th day of the South America tour saw St Ambrose come up against Trinity College on the fishing shores of Mar del Plata. Having been unfortunately sunk in Belgrano, the team needed to produce a whale of a performance to ensure of a return to winning ways.

Magician Furlong spent much of the hours leading up to the game patrolling the training ground and offering his wizardry and sentiments to the eager boys. Many had only recently recovered after being dumfounded by the shocking revelation that the Magician's tash is 33 years old. In a moment of quiet reflection with the tour staff, he revealed the reason for its longevity stems from his Samson heritage. Any removal of his whiskers would result in the loss of his tactical rugby genius and height.

A frantic opening 10 minutes saw Trinity produce wave after wave of attacks that were successfully repelled by an admiral Ambrose defence. A turn-over ball led to a long kick by Adrian Bevan that was excellently chased by s-kipper Tom Gomulko. His recent late night efforts to achieve the ultimate streamlined physique with the help of Luke Brown's waxing kit and vast experience in the hair removal trade appeared to have paid dividends as he scaled the opposition 22. Unfortunately the first in a long line of poor refereeing decisions brought the attack to an end with Trinity being awarded a penalty. Ambrose continued in their efforts to put attacking phases together with strong running from Bernard Lennon and Ben Quiligotti, who successfully launched a hammerhead attack. However, the Ambrose side became increasingly unable to deal with the fast handling of the Trinity 15 and their willingness to run the ball from anywhere on the field, including their own try line. Despite Fl-anchor Tom Gury's impressive strong defensive hits and good spoiling at the scrums by Joe Ingrham, the Ambrose back line began crabbing and Trinity piled on the pressure.

Ambrose were unlucky however to concede the first Trinity try as the referee continued to have what is commonly referred to as a nightmare and failed to spot that in the build up the ball was as forward as Maggie was in crushing the Argentineans. Trinity didn't complain however; they were s-quids in at 5-0 up. Fortunately the opposition number 10 made a complete hash of the resulting plaice kick.

Trinity then went on to capitalise on their try with fast hands and strong running which took them into the Ambrose 22. The referee awarded another nonsensical penalty that left the Ambrose faithful wondering if he was Evita in disguise and praying to Almighty Cod that he would improve after half time. The quickly taken penalty provided the opportunity for the mullet playing at inside centre to score under the posts. 12-0. The lead was soon increased with another Trinity try. 19-0.

In the minutes immediately proceeding half time, Ambrose attempted to register a score. Great hands by Adrian Bevan released Alex Porter was as fast as the spray out of a whale's blow hole as he galloped down the wing, unfortunately getting tackled before the line. Half time 19-0.

Marcel, the Argentinean tour guide, when asked to comment on the first half Ambrose performance simply laughed before going on to identify a fundamental problem "The boys lost their balls in the middle of the pitch." This interrupted the half time team talk as the magician led the team in a thorough search of the area around the half way line. However the team were buoyed by news coming from Merseyside. Mr P Rush has become one of the most decorated scousers of all time following his contemporary art thesis and study of the convergence around his rim. The Capital of Culture has been truly captured by Rush's unique perceptive style, attention to detail and mild mannered personality. So much so, plans are underway to erect a statue of him between the birds on the Liver building and he was yesterday awarded the crowbar to the city. Unfortunately this had already been appropriated before he returned to his study- a testament to the true Liverpool culture.

The second half saw somewhat of an improvement from the Ambrose team although Trinity soon gained the upper hand of the half with an early score. 26-0. Ambrose rallied, determined to prevent a t-rout, with the forwards gaining some control over the proceedings. Notably Jake Morris, Rory Moylan and Dan Dixon carried the ball excellenty and couldn't be faulted for their efforts and commitment in the loose. Their hard work was beginning to pay off but unfortunately this was punctuated by another Trinity score. Soon after, Ambrose managed to finally register a score following another phase of forward pressure and good play by Adrian Bevan who put John Newsham in for the try. A good finish by Ambrose, but a disappointing result. Hopefully a more complete performance will be produced at Cardinal Newman on Wednesday.

Reaction

Mr Handy: "I didn't really watch the game"

The magician: "It was Harry Potter gone wrong."