'Cardenal challenge makes Ambrose new men'

By Dominic Cusani

The South American tour moved onwards and upwards after the spell in Mar del Plata, with visits to Iguazu falls in Missiones province, one of the 7 modern wonders of the world, then to Rio de Janeiro in Brazil with tours of the famous Maracana national stadium, Corcovada and 'Christ the Redeemer' statue.
2 days of R&R were enjoyed by the boys on Copacabana beach renowned for white sands and bikini-clad locals, which did not fail to live up to expectations.

On the return to the Argentinean capital, an excursion to the Boca and San Telmo districts of Buenos Aries, and the impressive 'Bombonera' stadium - meaning 'sweet tin,' provided much inspiration for the afternoon game against fellow Christian Brothers school Cardenal Newman.

The setting was a patchy, uneven field set in the school grounds amidst the gaucho 'pampas' of Argentina, with a somewhat empty grandstand apart from a twenty something maroon-jerseyed supporters. A beret-clad Christian Brother was gracing the touchline showing support for an encounter which would surely take no prisoners. Ambrose formed a tight huddle in preparation for the match in which Nigel 'The Wizard' Handy needed to produce some black magic to unsettle the Cardenal Newman outfit, reputed to be the best school side in Argentina, with a number of their old boys feeding into the Puma academy.

The Argentine team were physically well-built apart from number 1 who was a right bife chorizo. The game commenced with an early attack from Newman which was well controlled and turned over by a hungry Ambrose side to kick clear. Scrum half James Conville executed a well-timed grubber kick into the right hand corner, forcing an error from the Newman winger, and subsequent Ambrose line out deep in the opposition half. Ambrose then strung together some tidy back moves but were unable to penetrate the Cardenal defence. A series of penalties helped Ambrose to channel attacks further up the pitch, once again to no avail. Cardenal Newman appeared to have met their match as the central stalemate continued.

Another deep kick by James Conville pinned Newman on their line, but once again the Ambrose bid to cross the whitewash was fudged by some rosie defending. A charge down by skipper Chris Loughlin unfortunately produced no bounty as the scrambling ball went dead.

A period of assured rucks brought about turnover after turnover for Ambrose and injuries by both sides brought a much needed time-out. The first twenty minutes was dominated by this Ambrose outfit, but unfortunately they did not manage to capitalise enough to covert this into points. Newman then demonstrated some quality street-wise play as they broke through the Ambrose defence in the middle of the park enabling them to spin the ball left and score in the corner making it 5-0.

Immediately after the kick-off, Ambrose regained possession, only for Newman to be granted a kinder surprise as they charged down a kick to score a runaway try, doubling their lead to 10-0. An acrobatic twirl by an Argentinean centre allowed them to brake through for a third time, but the certain try was fudged by a good chase from James Conville. Once again the vast improvement in rucking enabled Ambrose to hold their own and force a stalemate from the Newman attacks in the centre. An agile run by James 'Twinkle Toes' Taberham pierced a hole in the Newman defence but their pack nestléd a good turnover in the mall. Good commitment to tackles by Ambrose unfortunately left the Newman free to spin rightwards and free a gap to increase their lead with a converted try under the sticks, bringing the 1st half to a close at 17-0.

Only the soft wave of the wizard's wand was head at the half-time interval, amidst the gentle call of the female toucan and bleat of the blue whale off the Patagonian coast, as wizard Handy gave allsorts of advice to whip Cardenal Newman like walnuts in the 2nd half.

Straight from kick-off, the spell was broken as Newman pieced together some safe hands in the backs, and, combined with a Fijian-style scissor kick by the outside centre, they extended their lead further with another try under the posts, 25-0. The hearty Ambrosian defensive performance once again forced turnovers and errors by the opposition, as both backs and forwards alike put in a number of crunchie tackles indicating to Newman that this game would be no picnic.

The Cardenal Newman fly-half who looked suspiciously like 'm&m,' proved he was a smartie as he sold a convincing dummy, sending him straight through a galaxy of Ambrose defenders, making it 32-0.

The local Argentinean television coverage indicated to viewers that 'Arniecam' from the previous match was now switching to a documentary detailing all 33 years of Tony 'The Magician' Furlong's tash, and that you could press the red button to go to the interactive page with moustache featurettes and outtakes.

Ambrose deemed it about dime to launch an aggressive counter-offensive with a well-orchestrated back move that gave Joe Murphy the opportunity to open up down the right flank, requiring a lucky tap-tackle to stop the attack.

The next phase of the game saw good turnover ball by Tom King, Peter O'Connor and Liam Beastie as they helped clear the Ambrose line. Fullback Robert Conville was forced to make an early exit to the game after a hearty performance making some crucial tackles, as he aggravated a previous injury he picked up at the Belgrano Day Festival. Courageous tackling by Patrick Taylor forced one of the opposition players to rolo-ver and catch him in the head with his boot which resulted in his substitution, brining on Peter Morrison. He departed the lions den soon after with a calf injury, being replaced by Declan Foley.

The Argentinean number 12 evaded several tired Ambrose tackles to scramble over to the right of the posts, which was expertly converted making it 39-0. Another breakaway try ensued as the hungry number 12 capitalised on a loose ball sending it to 44-0.

Despite a spirited battle from the Ambrose team to overcome the fatigue of a long tour and the previous day's journey from Brazil, Newman pierced the line straight from kick-off to break the half century at 51-0.
Testament to the St. Ambrose spirit came in the dying moments of the game, as the well drilled line-out saw Peter O'Connor take a crash ball at 1, to be supported by a strong drive and handling interchange sending over Mike Turner to end the game 51-5.

Elsewhere, PhD scholar Mr. P. Rush took time out of his investigation into the diminishing sea-lion population in the river Mersey, to extend his domain of research to the abundance of pumas in the Missiones province of Iguazu and is believed to be at present collecting samples of puma traces in this area. Prior to this, whilst indulging in a bife de chorizo with his compatriots John Maynard Keynes and Milton Friedman (who has now sadly passed away) at one of Liverpool's most respected restaurants, an angry mob of Liverpudlians stormed the establishment heisting his much-loved 'crowbar to the city' which he always kept with him. The staff in KFC, Liverpool refused to testify.

From here, Ambrose went on to end their epic South American extravaganza as the 45 gringos invaded a gaucho ranch north of Buenos Aries. The prizes for most improved player were awarded to Dom Gandy and Jake Morris; and players player were awarded to Peter O'Connor and Oliver Weir. Some say that the magician has rediscovered his samsonite roots and sought refuge in the remote foothills of Patagonia, others say he has managed to keep his magic tash intact and will return in yet another epic adventure to coach St. Ambrose once again next year. Watch this space…